Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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