my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
