Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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