So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
