Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
