if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
