Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
