Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize