I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i came on her dog
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
