there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Also, beer. Big fan.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
