Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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