Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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