i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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