I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
