My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
i believe in u and ur pee
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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