Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Success! We fucked roommates!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
