Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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