it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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