he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
