Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
