She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
