I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
