i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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