Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
