Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
