I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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