he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
