ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Randomize
