My underwear smells like fireworks.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
