I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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