The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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