i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
