just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
