Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
