If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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