I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
