M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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