U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
