Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You are the jesus of drinking
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
