Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
you had me at cake vodka
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
