she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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