While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
