textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
