don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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