youre lurking in front of me
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize