mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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