I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
