I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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