Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
