Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
