i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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