Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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