I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Randomize
