I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
