Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
