I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
