im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
